Some Things Really Hit Home...

..And this one hit especially hard.

I have a good friend here in town where I live. Her best friend moved away many years ago, to where I come from originally. Now, when I make my way back to my home town, my friend often comes along, and we meet up with her good friend, who is now married with children. We have done this often enough that I now consider her friends to be my friends as well.

Unfortunately, something terrible just happened. Someone died. It happened fast, though gradual enough that we shouldn't have been as surprised as we were when it happened, but we were. And I have realized something from this.

Being far away from people you love can distance you from what's really going on in their lives. We have to make extraordinary effort to make sure we stay connected,regardless of the distance. There is nothing any of us could have done for Gord, but this whole situation makes me wonder what other things are happening in my friends and families' lives that I am missing.

I contacted my best-friend in Europe today, and my parents who also live far away. I need to do this more regularly.

Better Late than Never...

Once again - Happy New Year!

...hope this one is better than the last! Even if you had a great last year, all hope is that this year will be even better

As for me, looking forward to writing again, and looking after the homestead (including Signal/Angel - its a toss-up right now).

Since I started the tradition, and like it alot...here's where I step back and be thankful for what I have, because its all still pretty good. Here's a recap of the things I am most thankful for from last year (not in any particular order):

Friends to celebrate 40 years with
Lone's health
Shelley's health
Time to spend with Dana AND Blair...without the kids
Long journeys down steep gourges with my mom and peaceful moments along the boardwalk in Crete - and of course, big harry doctors with thick italian accents
Ender and Bean
SG-1 (AKA Tailgate) and sharing it with someone who loves it just as much as me
Heroes
The start of B&B's new life together
The no smoking laws in Canada
Soccer, playing it...and watching it with my MOM (go figure)
Adrian (& B)
CMBES revitalized and CCECE (mostly because it was in Ottawa, where I could spend some time with A)
Shannon, Mark, Heather and Paul...No Kidding!
Paul's great ideas for doing neat things
A really neat AIF project and colleagues that think I have something to offer
My house, especially with my new free couch
The people that gave me the new free couch
Changing white to taupe, and expert friends willing to spend their time Helping me make the change
Cian's long hair and Calum's Ss
Dad turning 70
Having 2 kids to call Calum (though one has 2 l's)
All Dennis's help
My first PhD student, mostly because of who he is
Still being a good swimmer
Karen's will to get through her crappy year (and her awesome sense of humor)
Kris...and Kendall, of course
Being invited to the Best wedding ever...and seeing Phoebe again
A more relaxed Katy
Walks with Daisy
Still being a part of the descomers
Getting to teach CS1003 and meeting a whole slew of really neat students

If I thought February was busy...

Imagine how I feel now...

...its been a whole year, and I haven't written a thing.

Well, I am back at it, and hope to stay regular here, at least for a while.

Here's to another great year of writing!

February Must have been busy...

...because its now March and this is the first post I have made since January! Let's hope its a good one.

I'm now reading Dr. Phil's 'How to Snag a Man'. OK, it's not actually called that, but it might as well be. I write about this because it is monumentous, for two reasons. First, I rarley (and I mean, RARELY) read. Sad, shortcoming, I know...I just can't get into most books I start, so I stop reading before I really start. No idea why Dr Phil's book is keeping my interest, but it is.

The second reason my reading Dr Phil's book is momentous, is that I have finally admitted I have to do something to 'snag a man'...i guess. I have to admit, for most of my life, I didn't really care that much. Life is busy. Who has time to fit someone else's wants and needs into it?

Well, I think, maybe, I do, now. Problem is, I don't seem to have a chance in hell of actually finding one to share my life. I'm still that busy person I was 5 years ago, and lets face it, I'm not getting any younger. So, not only do I have to find an eligible man in a small town who is caring, patient, confident and all that, he has to also be understanding of my endless need to work all the time. What are the chances? Let's be real.

Still, Dr Phil says there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to figure out what your 'Product' is and put it out there for someone to find. Apparently there is a middle aged man out there with enough confidence for the both of us, who doesn't mind having to take the time to teach me how to be in a relationship, and who is willing for me to spend as much time working as I do fostering our relationship. Here's hoping, because that about sums up my product.

I'll keep reading. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Why can't I get a doctor?

(started in February - posted in March)

Anyone who claims medical care is the same accross the country has never been sick in New Brunswick.

It is impossible to get good medical care in Fredericton anyways, unless you have lived here all your life. I have lived here for over 10 year now, and just recently managed to find a doctor willing to take me on as a patient. Me, and 5000 others, and believe me, this Doc doesn't put the hours in to care for all of us!

All of this is very confusing to me. When I first arrived in Fredericton I started looking for a Doctor. I have now been to every possible doctor's office/clinic in Fredericton. They are all full - won't even put people on a waiting list. Intrieglingly, only once in 10 years have a walked into a clinic with more than 2 people in the waiting room (except for the after-hours clinics of course, which are always bursting with people who don't have regular family doctors). Same with the clinic which was finally willing to take me. 5000 patients, and never any more than 2 patients in the waiting room. What's up with that??

Well - here's what I think. There are no patients waiting to see doctors because there are no doctors working. I think most doctors in town don't work full weeks. How else can we have such a shortage here? I mean this is a serious problem. A person shouldn't go 10 years without seeing a doctor!

And now, I guess I have a doctor, but it is so hard to get an appointment, I might as well not even have one. I broke my finger last June and finally got to see a doctor about it November. That's right, kind of a waste of time after 5 months, but it was still bothering me so I decided to be persistent. What took the 5 months? Well, for one thing, the clinic never answers the phone. So after 3 weeks of phoning to book an appointment, I stopped trying, hoping that my finger would heal fine on its own. Wishful thinking. I had to actually drive up to the clinic in November to get an appointment, because when I started up again in November, they still weren't answering their phone.

Twice now, since I got a doctor in Fredericton, it has been easier to book an appointment and go see my old family doc in Ontario. So I guess I still do have quality medical care - I just have to drive 1400 km to get it. What's with that?

Anybody else have these problems?? Love to hear. Oh, and Mr Lord, if your reading this - good job (she says, extremely sarcastically)!

Election Day...

Geeze - what a great topic. I could write about elections all night. Why? Because this election has me infuriated and I like to spew about things that piss me off.

Before I go any further, I apologize in advance for anything I might say tha offends anyone. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I do respect that. Still, I have to question anyone who is comfortable with their vote this January 23.

What are our options? Well, we have the Liberals. The crooked, corrupt liberals who are inept at handling a bad situation, unless you think that making it worse is the way to go. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a Paul Martin fan! I had very high hopes for the guy at one time. Not any more. I get that it was hard to get anything accomplished with Stephen Harper riding his back, but still, I thought at one time at least, that PM would be the guy who could handle it - I guess not. I hate what he let Harper do to Canadian politics and let's face it - we have seen the face of our country's politics reer an ugly, ugly head and I doubt we will ever recover.

Ok, I admit, Harper may not be quite as 'Charming' as Stockwell Day, but he sure has that same 'sparkle' in his eye! So let's talk Conservatives. Apparently, we are supposed to believe that the leader of the conservative party believed in one way of life his whole life, and then changed his mind just before election time. Man, what a scary thought. Whenever I think of the conservatives in power I think back to Ontario's Harris days. That province will be forking out doe 'till the cows come home to pay off all the legal fees that they accrued as they got sued for illegal practices. And let's face it - the Cows aint coming home - mad cow disease and all.

Anyway, the thing is, bare-foot and pregnant in the kitchen, chatting with my gay neighbour who isn't allowed to get married, is no place I want to be. And I believe if our friendly conservative leader had his way, that's where he'd put me.

I guess that brings me to the NDP. While I have nothing against Jack and his gang, and rather like his wife, I can't bring myself to vote for him in fear of throwing my vote. Bad choices, worse process, awful situation - that about sums up what I think of this current election. In a word (or maybe not so much)... BLAHHHHHHHHHHH.........

Some Thoughts on Little Ones...

I have two nephews. Cian who is 6, and Calum, who is 3. When Cian was about 3 we shared a small experience that has stayed with me ever since. It was a minute interaction, something you might disregard as insignificant. But it has stayed with me, popping back into my memory every once in a while. So I am going to share it, and some of my thoughts that go with it now.

One night my sister and her family were at my parents home while I was there. They were getting ready to leave, which is always an adventure, and I offered to bring Cian to the car to help. Calum was not born yet. It was winter in Toronto, which meant that the sidewalk was icey and slippery in some places.

Cian wasn't quite sure how to walk on slippery sidewalks. My mom had warned us to be careful because it was slippery, and he listened intentely to the warning, but he wasn't sure how to 'be careful'. He had never walked on slippery sidewalks before, and he didn't know what to do. I saw him hesitating and told him if he stuck his toe out first, and wiped it along the sidewalk in front of him, he could ascertain how slippery it was and that would help him to ensure his footing.

From that moment on until we reached the car, he took a few steps, stuck out his toe to test the ice, and continued based on his assessment. He did exactly what I had told him too. I was amazed, shocked really. He followed my instructions precisely and executed them easily.

Why was this shocking to me? Well, I teach university students. And no matter how much I emphasize the importance of following my instructions, only a handful (across the span of many years) have ever been able to follow my instructions as well as my 3 year old nephew.

I think most of my students can't be bothered, though some are genuinely unable. Either way, it makes me wonder what we do to our young people that takes away this ability. I do understand that some of it has to do with independent thinking and all that. But even when it is in my students best interests', they don't follow my instructions. They don't even pay attention long enough to have enough information to make an informed choice not to follow.

I think that part of the problem is trust. To this day, I still see Cian applying the 'toe-test' every once in a while. Clearly, Cian trusts me completely. Because of this, he had no reason to ignore me, and all the reasons in the world to pay attention and follow my instructions. At 3, his processing power must have gone something like this: "If I listen, and do what Auntie Dawn says, I will be safe."

Clearly my students don't trust me. There thought proceses must go something like this, "This lady doesn't know me. How does she know what is good for me. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

So, what can we learn from this? A few things I think. First, it is really important to keep the trust we have established between our children and ourselves. We need to make sure that we tell our children the truth, albeit some version that they can actually understand. We can't take short-cuts because they are easy for us. If they figure out that we have mislead them, they won't understand that we were exagerating/fibbing/pretending to know, just to save time or because we were tired, they instead will learn to distrust us.

Second, we must work hard to establish trust amoung anyone we want to pay attention to us. We can start by letting our students get to know us, at least a little, and getting to know them. Share our interests and some experiences. We can also let them know when we don't know the answers.

Maybe if I work at it a little harder, more of my students will stick there toes out before they walk on slippery sidewalks!

Man, am I getting old!

Last night a couple of friends and I went out for drinks. Nothing unusual about that, we do it often. Last night however, we went to the "Rockin' Rodeo." While that is not unusual for my friends, I had never been there. Regardless, we were all acting like a bunch of old women (which we were, from the perspective of most of the people surrounding us).

Here's what I mean. As soon as I walked in, I could see a billion little tiny girls with barely anything on. OK - that's from my 'Old frigid lady' perspective. There were billions of girls, and they were wearing some pretty skimpy attire, but hey, what's wrong with showing a little skin??

So we get our drinks and sit down at a bar table not far from the dance floor. Again, very quickly I notice that all the girls are walking through the bar holding hands and the 'Old frigid lady' inside of me says "What's wrong with these girls? Can't they find enough gumption inside themselves to walk through a bar without being physically attached to their best friend?" OK - what's really wrong with that. Didn't we all used to have to go to the bathroom in pairs? I guess this is the modern day version of that.

So we continue to drink, and observe. Next we see a group of girls, a team, or a set of bridesmaids or something, all dressed in the same slinky white tank top, asking boys to sign it. That's when I caught myself being the 'Old frigid lady'. The girls were having fun, just like the guys, and I was trying to find something wrong with what they were doing. But what's wrong with a little flirting in a bar! Ikes, I really am getting old.

Not to long after that, one of my friends leaned over to me and said, "Why are all the girls trying to show off their boobs". This was rather funny coming from Karen, since she is very well endowed herself and does quite a bit to hide her 'gifts'. She followed up with, "if it were all about boobs, and I showed a little more, I could bring the whole bar over to our table". After a pause, and a swig of her drink, she sat back and said "I'm getting old."

Here's the thing. We didn't see anything unreasonable last night. The girls were out and flirting, showing off their pretty little bodies, hanging with each other in support, and the boys were out enjoying it. I guess they were strutting there stuff aswell, but baseball hats and bangs flipped up don't register for me as what's hot to trot. Bottom line - good for them. Out, having fun. Maybe picking-up, let's hope being safe and responsible about that. Didn't we all do that in our day?

Of course we did. And people our age looked back at us as if we were doing something naughty. When did I turn into my mom? Well, maybe not quite yet. Here's to the meat market. May I respect it for another few years yet (at least as much as I did when I was a part of it - which thinking back, wasn't all that much, hmmm...).

Happy New Year...

...hope this one is better than the last! Even if you had a great last year, all hope is that this year will be even better.

As for me, looking forward to more writing, more research, more love and more fun.

I guess this is where I step back and be thankful for what I have, because it's all pretty good right now! Here's a recap of the things I am most thankful for from last year (not in any particular order):

Kevin
Biff and the Gang and all the writing that came from it
My NSERC
Soccer, soccer and more soccer
Katy
All my fellow Descomers
Shelley and Karen and our trip to TO
Calum's health
Scoring
My health
Drunken nights with Bill
My SWE students
All the downtime with my parents
Dinners at Frederics with the geriatrics
Drinks and movies with Big K
The Wall
Two papers and my grad students
Roger
Sarah, Shamus and a great night in Moncton with Kris and Karen
Kris and a crap load of wine

...and so much more...

Arghhh...another shopping blunder

If you read this blog regularly, get used to these because they are going to be plentiful. I really, really, really, really, really (trying to use Shakespaere's '5 in a row' strategy for emphasis) hate bad service!

So I went to buy my parents a VCR for christmas. They don't want to buy a DVD recordable yet because they think that they are still overpriced and underdeveloped (which is probably true) but their old quality VCR is finally starting to kick the bucket (as you might expect after about 20 years of wear and tear).

So I first go into this big electronics store. I know exactly what I am looking for because I own one myself. After a 5 minute spew from the sales guy about how there is no such thing, and never has been such a thing as 'commercial advance' (a feature which my VCR currently has) I decided I would shop elsewhere. I try hard not give my money to companies who support any kind of bad salemanship. I mean come on, at least come clean when the customer says to you, "but I own one with that very feature..."

So I move on to a major department store (to avoid being sued I will try to remane generic when making negative comments, but will say it wasn't The Bay) and they have the kind I think I am looking for. I am glad, but to be sure, I ask for some documentation so that I can read it to check. Sure enough, the guy prints me out (from the internet of course, gone are the days things ship with user manuals I guess) a list of the product's features and "commercial advance" is listed so I am satisfied. One more check - I ask for a black one, knowing they come in both Silver and Black. The salesman looks all over the package for an indication of the color and can't find anything. He gets the young sales rep who "knows it all" and confidently says - "Oh, that one is black, its code ends in a 'K'" (like that was obvious).

Anyway, I take it, my parents open it on christmas and I set it up for them. A silver VCR without 'commercial advance' - go figure. I guess that means I won't be shopping at - - anymore. The problem is, I have had bad service pretty much everywhere I have shopped now. Is there any place left???

Update on Being Loud

So I started the loud discussion (see prior entry "Why do I always feel so Crappy") with some family members. Very interesting discussion.

For those who don't want to bother reading the entire prior post, the basic question is - When engaging in converstation/discussion/argument, why is it right to be calm and wrong to be loud and overly passionate?

Interesting results. Especially since my sister (loud) and her husband (calm) were centerpoints in the discussion. My brother-in-law's main points were these: 1) calm people won't listen to loud people so loud converstations are inefectual in these circumstances and 2) loud people are irrational and get nothing accomplished.

I argue that neither are good enough reasons for the calm people to be right and the loud people to be wrong, and so does my sister (who incidentally, isn't really all that loud - most probably wouldn't even consider her to be loud). Here's my counter argument:

1) While I agree that conversation is inefectual if someone isn't listening, that doesn't necessarilly lay blame on the talker. I think calm people have just as much responsibility to learn to listen to loud people as loud people have to talk calmly to calm people. Intriegingly, when having a nice calm discussion about it, most people agree, yet put in the opportunity - it all falls to pieces.

2) Loudness is not necessarily a sign of irrationality. In fact, I would argue it is more often a sign of passion. And passion isn't always irrational. My sister and I could site many examples where we got louder and louder as we progressed through an argument and eventually ended up at a "Yes Yes, now I see" moment. That's not to say loudness is never irrational because for certain it is. But, let me tell you, a lot of crap can be spewed very calmly.

There it is. I will leave you with this profound statement made by a renegade Monkey from New York, "If you have any poo, fling it now"...

Happy Holidays...

...or whatever it is you might have been lucky enough to enjoy over the last couple of weeks...

Just wanted to take the opportunity to wish you all the best. Especially to Biff and the Gang, who I always have in mind when I am writing these days, regardless what I am writing.

Cheers to us!

Why do I always feel so crappy?

Ok, first off - I don't always feel crappy. All kinds of things make me happy and I appreciate all that stuff. I have a particular thought in mind with this question and here it is:

I have a friend, or at least a colleague I work with, and occasionally go for walks with. I think she is fantastic. She's original, principled, and people, everyone I know that knows her, really like her. Me too.

But I always end up hating myself when I spend time with her. And I really don't like that. At the end of most conversations I have with her, I end up feeling like I don't do my job well enough, I don't interact with people appropriately, I don't do enough for my country, other people's countries, or the environment, I don't repsect the rights of anyone etc.

Am I really such a lousy person? I'm not sure anymore.

My friend isn't in my face about any of this. She just has a way of making you think about these things, and I guess that's a good thing. But feeling like your a peice of crap all day isn't a good thing. I don't know.

Here's a specific example. This one has hit me before. Its recurring, so it might be important. My friend is really uncofortable during loud confrontation. She doesn't wither and die or anything, but she certainly backs out of discussions as soon as they start to get loud. This is a problem for me. I was raised surrounded by loud, Italian men who yell by nature. It is not actually confrontational for them, its just the way they communicate. All of my family (which isn't actually Italian) is like that. We get louder the more excited we get, and when we really get into a discussion, we raise our voices.

So many people think that 'staying calm' is essential and that you are losing control if you raise your voice. I do understand that yelling bothers some people. Me, I am the other way. Nothing frustrates me more than someone who clams up when something needs to be said, or when it is said calmly, matter-of-factly. This gives me the feeling that they are not even considering other alternatives. That they can only hear their own, calm and restrained idea.

The thing is, why am I wrong and why is the calm person right? Why should I feel like crap because I like to raise my voice when I am excited enough to talk about something. When I am one-on-one, I respect my friend's point-of-view and discuss things with her in the manner which she prefers. But when we are in a group, I let loose like everyone else and then feel crappy about it later.

I don't know what to think anymore about any of this. I like that ny friend pushes me to think outside my box. But I am sick of feeling crappy.

That's it for now.

Wednesday is better than Monday for a change

Huh... Usually Wednesday is the hump day, but not this week. Maybe its because it was the last day of classes today. Hurray.

We are having a descom party tonight. A very adult like dinner party. Hope there's some youthful drinking to be had. Otherwise I will feel very out-of-place with all the couples and me. People say I am overly sensitive to being the only 'single' in the group. All the people who make this judgement are part of a pair, of course.

I'm not overly concernced with being alone. Most of the time I am glad of it. But when I have to go these couple things, and everybody is there with someone, so nobody but me has those akward moments with noone to talk with, that's when I wish I could find a decent guy. Of course, intellectually I realize that noone notices my awkward momemnts because they are all too busy being occupied by their partners, but still, the discomfort is akin to smashing your head against a brick wall.

OK, maybe an exageration. Regardless, the next time you invite your single friend to a couples dinner party, you might want to remember my analogy. I have no advise on saving your friend from the pain, except for possibly acknowledging it without shining a glaring spotlight on them.

I've had that happen too. Out at a couples party (aren't they all now - I guess so at my age), and my friend, the ever-popular hostess announces, "Don't forget to pay attention to Dawn, she's here by herself". Wonderful!

I didn't mean to get into this tonight, but while we are on the subject, I will digress into one more lasting bad memory.

A few years back, I was at a family Christmas function, just the kind of thing to get single-bashed. There I was, sitting in my parents living room, sippling innocently on a glass of red wine.

Then, someone, I don't even know who, announced something about me still being single. And another added to it. Before all was said and done, all 7 of my cousins, 3 out of 4 uncles and aunts, and even my mother and father had made some comment about noone willing to marry me. It amounted to a long list of Dawn-bashing editorials.

What really drove home the patheticness of the situation was the comment which finally ended it all. "I'll mary you Dawn", said supportively by my happily married 60 year old aunt. Thank God I was sitting beside my grounded brother-in-law who placed his hand on my lap, leaned in and whispered, "just keep drinking Dawn". I think I need to go see Dr Phil.

Here's to family, and being single at 39.

Its Monday and I am wiped already.

I need to spew. It's only Monday and I am already wiped. Have no really good reason. I guess the end of term can do that to you. It has been a rough one for me, though the teaching has not been overly demanding (I only taught 2 courses this term, compared to my regular 3, Let's hope this trend continues). So why has the term been so hard? Idle time leads to thinking, too much thinking...

I have been trying to suss out whether or not I am doing anything productive lately, and have come to the conclusion that I really have not. Oh, I am doing my job satisfactorially and all that. Got two papers published this year. Have 5 conferences lined up for the spring, and another 2 papers on their way out the door. Teaching has hopefully gone relatively smoothly (I guess I need to wait on my teaching reviews to see for sure). But none of this really means anything. Nothing life changing, nothing useful even. I need to change something.